LOOKING FOR THAT RAY OF HOPE

LOOKING FOR THAT RAY OF HOPE...This is what I heard the Judge say to my 16 year old client today in Court. I am very thankful that with the right attorney and with the kind of Court this Judge conducts as well as caseworkers who put in the extra effort there just might be a "ray of hope" for this teenager...who right now is all alone and struggling. Everyone should have a ray of hope!

Thinking of Talking to Your Children About Court...DON'T

The Courts and Attorneys for Children are very clear...do not talk to your children about the litigation.  It is difficult but when your children ask what is going to happen or what is going on here are some suggestions on how to handle that:

* The Adults and Court are working on what the future will look like.  I know it is hard but hang in there.  If you have any questions I can call your attorney and see if she/he can set aside a time to meet with you again.

* The Court does not want Mom or Dad talking about Court with you.  The Judge is afraid it will upset you, so I can only say, tell the truth and remember that what you want to say can be said through your lawyer and not Mom or Dad.

Talking directly to your child about the proceeding can cost you time with your child.  The Court's consider that a direct violation of their instructions, they also consider that action as not proceeding in the best interest of your child and will consider it when rendering a decision.

Finally, it would be nice if we could reassure our children and tell them what their future is going to look like, but if you are in the Court system, the truth is you do not know what it will look like yet...

Going to Court

The thought of going to court seems to scare many clients.  I try and explain that with the right lawyer and representation.... court is simply the place we go to get further clarity on specific issues.  It is also a time when all the parties are together and can be used as a settlement opportunity as well.

Kids See and Hear Everything....

I am often appointed by the court to represent children.  They vary in age from infant to 17.  It has been over 28 years and I am still amazed that parents will often put their need to make a "point" to their spouse ahead of the emotional well-being of their children.  This includes parents who love their children very much...

Go ahead...call each other names if you must...accuse each other of terrible things if you just can't stop yourself....argue at the top of your lungs about money because it seems that you must....BY WHY WOULD IT EVER BE OK TO DO THIS IN A PLACE OR SITUATION WHERE YOUR CHILDREN COULD OVERHEAR IT?  PLEASE THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK...

URGENT: Write Your Own Obituary

Take a moment and write your own obituary.  What will you be remembered for?  What contributions to this earth and it's community have you made?  Take a moment to look at the big picture.  This is an important exercise when going through a separation or divorce.  It is easy to get bogged down in the moment, find ourselves fighting for something that in 25 years will not impact anything that we will value, yet the "fight" could negatively impact the relationships in our lives...forever.  Whether we have three hours of parenting time or four hours...who gets the granite table....if we keep the big picture in mind...what choices will we make.

Living in the Rubble...

"Let People see you. It is called having friends, choosing each other, getting found, being fished out of rubble. It blows you away, how this wonderful event happened--me in your life, you in mine."  Anne Lamott, Small Victories

Spending time in the "rubble".  That can often sum up what your life feels like when you begin a divorce or separation process.  It is often dark and scary.  You second guess every choice you have ever made. It is possible to loose your sense of "Welcome" or "Worth".  Yet, something amazing can come from this "rubble".  When you let people see who you really are and even just one of them choose you and you choose, them it is an amazing gift that tends to last a lifetime.  Sure, dozens of people may make you miserable-- but don't give up.  Your friend is out there, even if you are spending time in the rubble right now. 

When it is really about...the money

Some food for thought.

The Courts and the attorneys almost always know when the real issue is about the money and not about the custody, parenting time, living arrangements, etc.

You are not fooling anyone when things are going fine, and then when one party asks for, or files for, child support or maintenance, coincidentally custody now becomes an issue.

Money may be a legitimate concern that needs to be addressed, but call it what it is..it helps with your credibility down the road.